Kim Chee and Things That Stink

Resistance is futile

2010-05-27T13:16:00.001-07:00

I think I spend too much time resisting influence from the people and environment around me. It all started innocently enough. I just wanted to be in tune without having to retune. At some point, I just started being contrary and disagreeable. It would be nice to return to a sense of child-like curiosity and a complete lack of self-absorption.

Here's to being like waaaaahtuh.

Fester is my uncle's name

2009-09-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

It's funny how, no matter how carefree you may act, you find yourself still affected by stimuli to which you never even gave conscious thought. Emotions come pouring out of you with the proper trigger; a trigger that hopefully comes sooner rather than later. Otherwise you find yourself regurgitating an unending stream of partially coagulated, completely unacknowledged feelings, about which you wonder, "where the hell did all that come from?"

I guess it's healthy for that sort of release, because I don't think everyone has the time (or the desire to see a shrink), and vent in a "neutral" and "safe" environment. Neutral and safe never got anyone anywhere. For those that lack the source of the emotional equivalent of a very sharp tack to the overinflated balloon that is your subconscious mind, a psychiatrist might be recommended.

I on the other hand, don't want to see a psychiatrist, nor do I want to bleed my emotional guts to anyone in my life. I can see the sanguinary footprints behind me as I tread upon my own percolating emotions. Red is my favorite color.

Two days later...

2008-11-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

Now, people who know me realize that I'm not a bullshitter. When I smell bullshit, I tend to sniff it out. Not because I necessarily like to keep it real ALL the time, sometimes I like the smell of poop. (Just kidding, just kidding.)

However, in all seriousness, I am extremely concerned. What am I concerned with? The election of Barack Obama. I was as happy as everyone else was when I saw the news that Barack Obama was the President-elect, by a landslide. The people of the United States seemed to be capable of looking past racial barriers and visible differences and elect the man who seemed to be the best suited for the job as the leader of the Free World. The newly mobilized youth of the nation as well as those that had never before voted in an election heeded the call to establish their heretofore unfelt presence. In addition, seeing those people who in the century prior had marched to gain their civil rights as United States citizens finally see the ultimate fruition of their efforts was stirring, to say the least.

So what's the problem? ALL THE HYPE! Part of my mind argues that George W. Bush has screwed up so badly that anything that the next president does would be better. He has, as Chris Rock so eloquently put it, "fucked up so bad that he made it hard for a WHITE man to be elected president". What if something goes wrong? What if the economy doesn't recover? What if the hype of hope doesn't carry us over the next four years? Things just don't get better overnight. Given this fact, what exactly do the citizens of this great nation expect?

Bill Clinton was a great president, but a lot of people don't know how great. When asked, most people will say that what they remember is a girl, a cigar placed IN that girl, and a stain ON her dress. The other thing brought up is that nothing ever seemed to happen. Bill Clinton was constantly working hard to make sure it stayed that way. Bad times are more common than good times, and President Clinton, a Rhodes Scholar by the way, recognized and dealt with this fact. Despite criticism and scandal, the man did his job well by making sure we as a nation thrived. We may remember him fondly, especially after dealing with an funtionally retarded person as "President" for the last eight years, but don't seem to fully appreciate his accomplishments.

Barack Obama has the huge burden of bearing the weight of his position, as well as the burden of expectation. I worry, but hope for the best.

"A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but ought to be." - Rosalynn Carter

Cell phones made me lose my faith in humanity

2008-07-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

The sad thing is that I didn't realize I had any faith to begin with.

I became aware of this loss very recently. It was a gradual process, a process I believe that started at least a couple of years ago, back when I was still in school. I was on the campus shuttle, the one that loops around the... campus... around and around and around and around... but I digress. Anyway, a girl is talking someone's ear off on her cell phone, as well as everyone else's ear in the whole goddamn shuttle. Cell phone technology has improved from "the Brick" of the 80's. It is not necessary to yell into the receiver to have yourself be heard. I told her to shut the fuck up, because no one else was doing it. She got quieter, to her credit as a human being. The thing that astounded me about the whole situation, aside from this girl's idiocy, was the fact that no one in that entire bus said anything to this girl before I got on.

As much as cell phones have facilitated communication between people, it has also had the reverse effect of isolating people more than ever. The ability to call anyone from anywhere is also the ability to avoid people. In a society where everyone is so paranoid of everyone else and the only incentive to talk to another person is to get fulfill a selfish desire, we have gotten so good at thinking that we're so much more connected when we're actually more alone than ever. Myspace? Facebook? It's a pale representation of what a true human to human relationship is. It's easy to sit at home on your laptop and list your interests, favorite movies, whatever, on your Myspace profile, instead of sitting down with an actual person, asking questions, being surprised and overwhelmed by getting to know someone for real, instead of just faux. It's too easy.

What the heart wants to say

2008-06-08T01:14:00.000-07:00

If hearts could speak, maybe we would listen better. If tongues had feelings, maybe we would stop speaking hurtful words. If eyes could think, maybe we would be less concerned with the way things appear to be. If brains had heart, maybe we would feel more for the people around us.

My heart speaks to me, and I no longer want to hear it weep. My tongue feels thick with the words I have chosen never to say. My eyes stay closed so there's no chance to be concerned. My brain remains heartless.

Did I mention I'm playing my country playlist? I always come back to music that doesn't recognize me as a fanbase, but somehow can accurately sing the things I can't say.

Meeting people

2008-05-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am now fully moved into my new place out in Venice, Los Angeles. It's a few miles from Venice Beach, about six miles from work, and central to a lot of cool places in the area. I'm excited to get exploring. I should be able to do that, considering I no longer have to spend 2-3 hours in my day getting to and from work. I had to do that while staying with my sister, and being this close to work gives me a lot more free time than I've had in the past five months. It's an exciting period of my life.

I have two housemates, Jim and Gloria. Jim is a video-game tester at Activision, aspiring to be a game programmer. He smokes a lot of pot. Gloria is a bartender at Q's on Wilshire, finishing school at SMC. They are both super chill, and the apartment is really great. So far, so good. I hope this living situation will be a good one for me.

Gloria went on a date tonight. This was a curious situation to me because Gloria and I had talked about dating not being an ideal situation for either of us in meeting people, a few weeks ago before I moved in. I asked her why she was going on a date. She responded with "How else are you supposed to meet new people?" How indeed?

I never liked the idea of dating. It seems like a very outdated social tradition in which two people figure out the best way of facilitating the removal of clothing in order to have sex. At least from my, a guy's perspective. A man has to appear well put together and not too idiotic for the girl to feel that he could be a good potential long term relationship candidate, and the girl has to be sexually appealing in order to keep the man's attention for a decent period of time.

Sometimes first dates end with sex. I have no problem with that, although I lose interest after that happens. If there is a lot more substance to the girl than I realized, or if she's attractive enough, I might stay interested, but the problem is just that the sex is the main incentive, biologically at least. If it happens too soon, the natural reaction is for me to look elsewhere for my next conquest.

Given this outlook that I have, and if one knows my propensity to search for a deeper meaning to everything around me, one might be realize why I would have a problem with dating. Sex is nice, but it confuses the issues so much as I see any interaction between a man and a woman to indicate sexual interest. And usually I'm right. It's a constant struggle to keep my intelligence higher than my belt-line. How to meet women and not feel like each encounter is just the means to a sexual end? Am I really interested in the person, or am I just interested in creating seduction strategies?

Sex & the City

2008-05-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

IT'S A GOOD SHOW, WHAT!

And, I'm excited to see my lady Sarah Jessica Parker up on the big screen for this flick. I've never heard of any straight guy who loves her but me. I don't care, she's hot.

Anyway, the reason for this entry is because I'm watching the episode after Aidan gets back together with Carrie. Carrie had, awhile ago, cheated on Aidan with Mr. Big. She decided she wanted him back, which was the struggle she was having last episode. After being berated by Aidan on his front porch, she ran home thinking there was no hope for their future. However, as expected, Aidan eventually came around.

This episode was all about how Aidan and Carrie reconcile their latent feelings after getting back together. It was really painful to watch. After going through what I've gone through in the past few months as well as last year, it was difficult to watch the show without mirroring my own experiences in the two characters.

One of the things that really struck home for me was Aidan's emotional separation from Carrie. After being hurt so deeply by her, he wanted to be with her, but couldn't bring himself to commit the way that he had before. As Carrie expressed in the show, can you forgive if you can't forget? That's something with which I still struggle, and have no idea whether or not I would put myself in such a vulnerable position again. The soul would love to, but the mind wants revenge and the heart wants to be left alone.

It was very awkward to watch Carrie as she struggled to be the best girlfriend she could be, walking Aidan's dog, reminding Aidan what a great guy he was, and putting herself out there over and over again, even though she could see in his eyes that he was fighting to keep himself from saying all the things that he wanted to say. Would it be a more manly thing to do to keep all the hurt inside and pretend nothing was wrong, or to let it all out and say everything that is eating you up inside?

Another poignant moment was Carrie begging Aidan for forgiveness with her tears. Is that what I want? Do I want tears? Do I want someone to beg for forgiveness? Or do I want more than that? A revenge fuck maybe? At the very least, feel better about myself as a person fuck. How long will it take to go away?

I already know Carrie is going to marry Big in the upcoming movie. I think it should be Aidan. I want the great guy to win.

There is a saving grace to this major plot flaw though. In an industry where the media is flooded with "nice" guys that happen to all be independently wealthy and eligible and win the girl, I think this will portray a reflection of how the world actually is. Great guys don't win. Rich guys do. Because women want security more than anything else in the world. If the guy happens to be halfway decent to her, they luck out. But they're not above selling a little bit of happiness for the house and the Mercedes.

How to stay happy when you don't want to be

2008-05-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

I want it. You want it. We ALL want it. We're just searching for a way to have it. Happiness.

I've come to believe that happiness is not a place that I am trying to get to. Rather it's a choice that I have to make to BE. I want to BE happy, not have happiness. Thinking that I can have it, to exercise control over it, is unrealistic and utterly impossible.

The problem is that in order to know what being happy is about, you have to experience unhappiness. I've experienced a lot of it in my life, and I've fallen into a sort of Catch-22 situation. I'm so used to being unhappy that I'm afraid to choose the other side. Because when you're in a bad place, you know you where you are. You're at the bottom, and anything else that happens has to be good. Once you're in a good place the only place left to go is down. So I want to be happy, but I don't want to risk the chance of unhappiness occurring again.

It's easier to choose misery because choosing to be happy requires so much inner strength and I'm not sure I have that quite yet.

Finding a place

2008-05-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't done much blogging the past couple of weeks because I've been on a mad quest to find a place to live. Currently, I reside with my sister Jane in my hometown of Arcadia. Working in West LA, my morning commute is enough to make me want to stab some people in the chest. (Just people I'm not particularly fond of. Although it has been grating more on my nerves recently, thus perhaps motivating me enough to want to stab a few people of whom I'm moderately fond.) The gas prices remain insane, and my fill-ups are quickly approaching the 50 dollar mark. Is there no respite to the torture it has become to visit a gas station? I liken it to... having to go take a dump, but having every bathroom you enter have shit all over the seats. You've got to go, but getting to the destination is very pricey.

The search has been grueling. The places to live that I've visited haven't been the ideal locations of course. There are three types of people I've noticed at my potential residences. The first are college kids looking to fill in a room left by a graduating student. These are usually not too bad. The only major downside is that most of them do not know how to take care of a place, or to make it feel like a home. It is a temporary place for them, and they treat it that way. The second type of people are post graduates or older folks who are still moving from place to place, looking for random people to help drive down their rent. These places I found were the sketchiest to view. They clean out a closet to rent or put up a curtain in the living room, claiming privacy and lots of space in order to get suckers like me to come and actually pay them money for any living space. I am not (yet) that desperate to move out to LA. The third group are people who own homes. They rent out their rooms for a variety of unknown reasons and seemed overall pretty odd.

None of these places would do. As much as I hated driving out to LA every day, most of the time in grueling amounts of traffic, I knew I would hate it more if I ended up taking a place that would be dreadful to come home to. I figured if I kept searching long enough, something really good would pop up.

There were a couple of close calls of course. Two different places in an ideal location. The first one I was interested in, I was passed over for a girl. The apartment would've been with two nerdy asian guys, whose only method of getting a girl in their general area was to have her live with them. Their last roommate was a girl, and their most recent choice appeared to reinforce my conclusion. The second place I was late by an hour. They had had a fellow say that he would take it before I had a chance to check it out. I was obviously bummed out about the turnout, but I kept pressing forward.

And it paid off. To make a long story short, I found a place to live with people my age, at the same place in their lives, and the girl that lived there the longest had decorated the apartment to make it feel like a home. Did I mention that she happens to be gorgeous? Jackpot. I mean, the place to live was nice, but living with an attractive female definitely ends up on my list of pluses. I'm glad I decided to stick things out and keep searching. Tenacity definitely pays off.

There's no deeper lesson here. Just... it sucks not having a place, to live specifically, and to belong in general.

Good deeds.

2008-04-17T22:15:00.000-07:00

Good people are hard to come by. It seems that the growing number of people that are born into this world is inversely proportional to the will to do good for those people around us. Maybe there is only a certain amount of common good that exists. As more people are born, the common good keeps getting stretched thinner and thinner, until at some point, it'll snap. People will start killing one another just because they are having a bad day. It seems as though we are pretty close to getting there already.

I hope that this is just a pessimistic hypothesis that doesn't prove true. In fact, this thought process began as a moment of introspection about my feelings towards everyone that exists around me. I admit, I have, on more than a few occasions, thought that it wouldn't be half bad if most of the population was obliterated by a pandemic that I and a few of my close friends and family happened to have an immunity against. Or perhaps, just a simple natural disaster that would eat up several million people. I don't think it's a necessarily evil thought process, just a natural human response when sitting in Los Angeles rush hour traffic, wondering when the hell all these people start existing? But then again, as the Bible describes humanity as inherently sinful, my thoughts may have not exactly been influenced by a Godly point of view.

BE THAT AS IT MAY, it's tough to keep doing what would be considered good deeds, just because of the fact that there are so many people. If you spent your day trying to do good for everyone around you, you would have no time, energy, or money left to do anything. You might think I'm rationalizing the situation, but try driving out to Westwood, Los Angeles, and see if you don't get tired of handing out change to the endless stream of homeless people that are asking for money. I see the same people every day, at least three per block, and I get to thinking that I might need to keep some change for myself to pay for parking meters! Is that just selfishness? Or maybe it has gotten to a point where we all have started to avoid good deeds because it precipitates a snowball effect, and it's terrifying to know where that ball will stop. Maybe when we all have nothing more to give to anyone, and that prospect is a little scary.

I admit, it's gotten to a point in my life where I DO ignore people around me, just in case they might ask me for stuff, or ask me to do something for them. To balance it out, if there are things that can be done I do it; Doors held open (elevators are exempt, because it's fun to fuck with people and "hold the door" even when you're really pressing the closed button), helping people pick up dropped items, letting the occasional idiotic motorist merge into the lane in front of me.

And sometimes, the demand for a kind act is just thrust upon you. Today, I was dropping off my nieces at their respective schools. That alone right there was a kind act, because those two can be a handful, especially when I'm not fully awake to deal with their BS. As I was leaving to come home, a barefoot girl came running up hysterically, screaming for someone to help. As I was the only person around for a block, she addressed me telling me that someone had forced her into a bad car accident and had driven off. She was chasing down this car barefoot.

My car was parked about ten feet away, so I offered to help. She jumps into my car, and I'm still wondering what the hell I'm doing. It was all so sudden, I didn't have the time to think about all the terrible things I could potentially be getting myself into. Murder, rape, espionage, and general mayhem now that I think about it. Anyway, I was driving her after this car. Seeing as how the girl just got into a car accident, I did my best to drive quickly, seasoned with a dose of extreme caution.

As it turns, out, the culprit of the accident was an older asian man wearing glasses. We got his license plate number and headed back to the scene of the accident. Right before we rounded the corner, I saw smoke rising up through the trees and I remember thinking, there's no way that's from her car. Boy was I wrong. Her car was perpendicular to the road, on the opposite side of the street where she had been driving, impaled on a tree, with flames licking the ground from under her engine. This hysterical girl jumps into her FLAMING car to save some of her belongings.

The girl eventually found some shoes. I stayed a while longer to make sure she was okay, talked to the police, then came home. All this had happened before 9AM PST. What a crazy way to start the morning. The kicker of it was that this situation couldn't have been executed better had it been scripted. The way these random events seem to happen to me makes me wonder. Does the consciousness I have of my actions and purpose create a whirlpool effect, thereby forcing situations where I have to make quick, not-very-well-thought-out decisions that might help to make things a little better? Maybe so.

All this leads me to believe that if everyone had a sort of introspective outlook on life around them, the common good could recover a little. If we contributed a little awareness to it, we would cease to strain it, and help it to grow a little bit.

And the occasional negative thoughts we have when we get cranky, that's only human reaction. If we choose not to give into it, I think we could all make things a bit more bearable on these crowded streets.

Truth Hurts

2008-04-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to pay a lot of attention to signs. I've spent quite a bit of time ignoring signs in my life, and that has led to more heartache and misery than I care to admit affects me. I'm not talking about signs of convenience, the ones where you're just looking for an excuse to be lazy, or comfortable, or to not have to do something.

I'm talking about signs that God puts in your life to make some big changes. Let's say you've been hating going to work the past year. Not just hating work like most people hate work. Hating the people, your actual job, and realizing that being there makes you question your very value as a human being. It probably means there is a different calling that you should be taking up in your life, one that makes you happy and more fulfilled. Those signs. The big ones.

The same thing goes for everything in your life, especially relationships. How do relationships start? Signs. You get a sign from a girl, or a guy that they're interested. Where things go from there, depends on the person. If someone immediately sleeps with you, THAT'S a sign that they do that sort of thing all the time. If that's your style, great. If not, that's a sign that you should probably get out of that relationship before it has a chance to fester into something that needs to be amputated; in this context, you might lose your heart.

Or sometimes, you spend your life waiting on someone else, until they have time to spend on you. The signs are there. Your existence becomes an imitation of living. You don't know how to define yourself without the other person to give you some worth. In the end, the only sustenance you have is the other giving you a pat on the head to tell you that you're doing okay. What kind of bullshit is that?

No one deserves to be treated as worthless. This is not to be misconstrued to mean that everyone is a diamond in the rough. After all, people put themselves into the position they are in. If they choose to see their worth, and rise above it, they will. But we all make mistakes, after all.

The signs might be telling you that someone doesn't deserve to have your trust and love. You can't help wanting to give it to her though... It's human nature to hope for the best, despite all the information that you have that indicates she is screwing you over, and the good stuff she's giving to someone else. She's a cheap person for giving away the most valuable thing that you gave her, but you refuse to believe it.

You learn the most about someone after you lose her. Things you already know, but you chose to ignore. You have to relearn it. If it makes you angry, it's because you're learning the truth. The truth enrages because it doesn't care who you are, what you own, how much money you have. The harder you try to avoid it, the worse it gets when you encounter it. That's why the sooner you learn to love the truth, the happier you'll be.

The signs indicate that the truth is sneaking up on you. Pay attention to them.

Food for thought...

2008-04-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Since I don't think anybody reads this anyway, I'm not motivated to apologize to anyone except for myself. God gave me a moderate amount of talent that enables me to communicate via written word without completely coming off the page as barely educated. Unfortunately, I don't tend to utilize it very often.

Anyway, it's been a really fast couple of weeks for me. I can barely remember the few times I've checked the clock as the days passed, and those few times seems to have all occurred on the same day. I've barely had to time to absorb anything that has happened, which is tough for me, because I tend to get swept along very easily. My memory is neither the best, nor the most reliable on the best of days, so I kind of hope that I've learned something new every day without overlooking any experience.

So on to the major events. After "quitting" at Chili's after my indignant outburst a few weeks ago, I was a little distraught by my sudden joblessness. At any given point in the past two years, I've had at least one, and sometimes up to three jobs at a time. I decided that I had the liberty to take a few weeks off to reflect on my life, consider my options, and maybe find a better job. My GM, who is freaking awesome, told me that things happen for a reason, and that my situation, although it might seem hopeless at the moment, would turn around for me.

Small comfort for a broke, out-of-work, out-of-a-job actor. I knew I had money coming in for a Heineken ad I did a month ago, and hopefully a decent tax return, so I decided to wait out the financial storm.

Long story short, one because I don't feel like typing THAT much, and two because I have a lousy memory, I got hired to work at BJ's in Westwood, LA. The money is a lot better there, and another bonus is that I actually like the food. I was very relieved to find that, with enough hard work, I would be okay financially within a month. In addition, I went on an audition for a McDonald's commercial that I booked. First of all, it's a SAG project, so since completing it, I am now a SAG eligible, professional actor. Second, it's a national network and cable spot. If I make the editing cuts, I will be paid residuals for a few months, every time that commercial airs across the United States of America.

Talk about good luck, and amazing timing. In retrospect, my GM's words were very true, though with requisites. Things turned around for me, but not without my own hard work and determination. Good luck is the design of diligence.

In addition, God does not put things in your path that you will not be able to overcome. This is something I realized in the past six months, as I've experienced all sorts of interesting personal trials. All kinds of goodies. Fantastic stuff really. Stuff of movies. The drama, the suspense, really it's been kind of a bitch. A great big Clifford sized bitch that stands over me, constantly drooling on my shoulder, and me, I think it's rain, then realize the water stinks of Goddamn Kibbles'n'bits.

But all you could do is your best. I've gone through certain trials in my past in order to prepare me for the future, and in light of this, I pray for wisdom, strength, and courage. Life is my adventure.

Here's to you, my dear...

2008-02-18T15:41:00.001-08:00

If I say I didn’t love you

I’d be lying to myself

I wanted to hold you forever

I’d follow you to the gates of hell

But I was never the one you needed

And the only one who couldn’t tell

Your style makes you look good

But it’s your head that needs to get well

You’re so good to look at

A guy just gets stuck

A volt of bad energy

And a mindless good fuck

So here’s a word for you my dear

For those cold but I guess not lonely nights in the city

Money will make you happy now

But it won’t make you any less shitty

How classy am I?

2008-02-12T14:53:00.001-08:00

Pretty classy, because there's a few things I would like to say about somethings that are bothering me right now, but things happen as they will happen.

Another reason I'm classy is because I drink orange juice, from a glass.

You might think, okay big deal. BUT, I do it, I drink the orange juice from a classy glass, in the SUN. You might say I bask in the sunlight, proven to cure depression, produce Vitamin D for your body, keep you from getting sick, all that jazz.

But I take it a step further my friends. You see, I hadn't brushed my teeth yet that morning. Because everybody knows, when you brush your teeth BEFORE you drink orange juice, you're wasting the juice. Plus it tastes worse than fermented baby diaper (or so I've heard).

In addition, I wear my snazzy headband that I borrowed from a friend of a mind. A friend that's a girl, because normal guys don't wear headbands, and I'm not normal.

Finally, the piece de resistance! I drink my orange juice in a glass, in the sun, with teeth funk, wearing a head band, at the bus stop in front of my sister's apartment.

That is class, my friends. Good day to you all.

Why?

2008-02-12T14:50:00.001-08:00

What a great question this is... it's great because it is a question of justification, and its greatness is paralleled only by the futility of wanting an answer to it.

Why... There's always a "because" whether or not you want to believe it. It's the karmac regulator. It's the indication that there is a balance in the universe. There will be an opposite and equal reaction as dictated by the laws of science. What science fails to explain is how that reaction will arise, whether or not it will be in our lifetimes, or even directly applicable to our lives. Hell, the balance might occur three generations later with your great great grandchildren. They'll be wondering what they did to deserve whatever is happening to them. It was you, and they'll never know.

Why tries to keep us honest. It's us that lies, to ourselves and the people in our lives. And also, some people are honorless but get by in a society that values Mercedes Benzes over personal integrity.

One day, I will buy a Mercedes SL55 AMG. I will take that marvel of engineering and I will drive it into a wall. Because in the end, that's how much that matters.

Do I think I'm white, American, or both?

2008-02-12T14:48:00.002-08:00

Yesterday I was on Santa Monica Blvd around 4-5pm, which was a tragedy for me, because anyone that lives in LA knows that SMB eastbound sucks, ALL day.

I realized how crappy it was while I was headed west, so to turn around, I made a left onto a side street to head over to Pico or Olympic. Rather, I TRIED to make a left. I was at a light, and there was this BMW in front of me. Since there's no left turn light, the turn is at the driver's discretion. The idiot just sat there while the oncoming traffic had stopped at a yellow. I could've made that turn. I swear.

Anyway, I was dumbfounded, so I waved a hand at the car in front of me. Just a dismissive gesture, no bird, nothing meant to be insulting. Well, a little insulting. So we finally make the left, the guy makes a 3-point and heads back towards SMB. As I drive past him, he flips ME the bird. MOTHERFLOODBUSTER. I was enraged as I've never been enraged in my life. For serious. I couldn't let it go. I turned around as well and drove after the SOB.

I caught up to him on SMB and pulled up next to him. It was this Asian guy with an Asian girl in the passenger seat. Him and his stupid spiky hair and his stupid Asian girlfriend. I opened my window and let loose a creative burst of expletives. Of course, he's such a shithead he can't even open his window. Why flip me off if you can't follow through? BECAUSE HE CAN'T SPEAK A GODDAMN LICK OF ENGLISH. That made me even more angry. I finished yelling and drove off. I was ready to get out of the car and beat his ass.

Don't ask me why I got so angry, or why I was such a dick yesterday. I have no answer. I think it was a combination of the events that occurred.

It really makes me wonder though. I don't find myself to be a hateful person, but there was just an overwhelming level of anger and bitterness towards the retarded BMW driver. Was it the car, the guy, his stupid girlfriend, or just the cowardice that I find common in people, especially when they're in their cars and they think they can do whatever they want and not be accountable?

Late Friday Night...

2008-02-12T14:48:00.001-08:00

My adventures in LA continue. So, I work at Chili's in Westwood, while currently staying with my sister over in Arcadia. It's surreal being back in my hometown. Nice, but surreal.

Anyway, the drive out to Westwood from Arcadia is a half an hour, with no traffic. Thank God that so far, the money's been worth the temporary commute. I can't wait till I move into my own place.

I got done with work around midnight-thirty, Friday night/ Saturday morning. There wasn't much open in the ways of dining, but I found a fast food joint drive through open.

I roll up to the ordering window, dead tired from the night's work.

"Hello, can I help you?" (said very Mexicany)
"Yeah, I want to get a Whopper Junior with no onions." (me)
"..." (no response)
"Hello? Are you there?" (me)
"Sir, that would be Burger King." (Mexican)
"Eh?" (me)

I wanted my Whopper! I was having a Whopper freakout!
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Just to clarify, I was at Carl's Jr.

How Korean Dads write emails. Maybe just my dad.

2008-02-12T14:46:00.001-08:00

Hey! all my children

Please do make date and time
I'll make set my schedules

I love all

HAHAHA.

Now I'm in LA

2008-01-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

And I love this city! Got here a couple of days ago, trying to get the ball rolling for the rest of my life. Sounds kind of scary until you realize you could die tomorrow, so it's not that big of a deal. Puts things into perspective.

Quick blog just because LA is that AWESOME!

Yesterday, I was hanging outside of a casting because my friend had an audition. (By the way, yes I'm that bored that I can just hang out and support a friend.) Anyway, he had driven up all the way from San Diego, so I was waiting for a couple of minutes. There are SO many good-looking model type of people going for this commercial role. Like, the girls were all above 5'10", and all the guys are in full suits. Anyway, I was taking a smoking break outside on the street. I hear a car horn honking, and a guy is leaning out yelling, HEY HEY! in my general direction. I assumed he was talking to me, so I walked towards his car. He looks up at me through his car window, and he asks me "How did you tie your scarf on?" Seriously. No joke. I was thinking to myself, seriously? This guy stopped me in order to ask me how I tied my SCARF. The one I had so nonchalantly draped around my neck because it was cold. Apparently it was a fashion statement. I was the "it" for about ten seconds.

Today was another fiasco. I'm trying to get used to the LA traffic, so I'm driving around, testing different routes through east/ west LA. There's no easy way FYI, just luck. Some days you will just have good luck driving, and on days you need to get somewhere, you will use up all of the extra hour you spent leaving your house early. I'm driving to NoHo to pick up some papers from my agent, and I'm about to take a left onto Sunset from the Northeast corner of the UCLA campus. I notice there are cars that are not moving at all. There are cops posted up in the intersection. I pull up, because it can't take that long. Wrong... I sat there for 20 minutes with an unreasonable hopefulness that I would start moving. A UCLA kid talked to one of the traffic maids to see what was going on. He reported back "That it was just police business." I said loudly, "It better be the damned president of the US if the traffic is held up like this." At this point, the lady in the Merc SUV next to me says "It IS the president." Straight face. I asked "Of the United States of America?" She said yes.

WELL! That was satisfactory. I mean, what the hell, really? What do you say to that? Your condition has been met, the equation is completely rational. Apparently, he visits LA/ Cali periodically to meet with Schwarzenegger. Last year, the same thing happened in Westwood. The lady I was talking to lived up the block and wasn't anticipating being able to go home for another few hours. Luckily, she was not a Republican, and we shot the shit for a little while.

So... if LA is going to be this interesting in the next few weeks, I'm moving somewhere else. New York? IDK.

The problem with love. Or rather, the people who claim to love.

2008-01-04T01:13:00.001-08:00

It's the one thing in the world that everyone wants besides money and power that you can lie about and say you have, and pass off convincingly that you do.

I love you. The three easiest words in the world to say, unless you actually feel it and want to say it. Because love takes that much courage to practice in real life. Because once you actually love someone, you realize that everything you say and do will matter that much more to the other person, and you don't want to fuck it all up. There are several problems inherent in love due to the nature of man.

The first of the major pitfalls of saying that you love someone is that most of the time, the person actually believes what they say. It comes with being human. You believe something, and those beliefs get tested time and time again, every day, every second, until you start to subconsciously doubt yourself, ergo, the person that you say you love. Love starts as a feeling, evolves into a belief, then remains consistent with practice. Basically, it's the strongest and weakest thing holding two human beings together.

Second, you can't love till you've felt love given to you. What I mean by that is, each person has a different way to love because they've felt it in different ways. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to sacrifice and wanting to do all you can for those around you. As soon as it becomes about obligation, you've got to take a step back, re-evaluate, and figure out why you feel the way you do. Usually if it's about obligation, it's because you know that the love has only been given by one party, not by both. You feel obligated because you know the other person has their whole heart in it, or because they're not giving enough.

You can't take someone else's definition of love for yourself either. Meaning, every relationship is different; moms and dads, sisters and brothers, lovers. Especially with lovers, things can become crappy real fast. You give love to your significant others in a certain way because that's what you think you're supposed to do. To me, that's basically taking someone else's love, and then pooping all over it.

Before you're so eager to get into love and find a person to be there for you, figure out what YOU are all about. Figure out who you are, your dreams, how you love, and how to be there for someone else before you start demanding all sorts of stuff from someone else. Stop pooping on love and using it for your own nefarious, selfish purposes.

Dilemma

2007-12-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

What do I want to eat for lunch? What do I want to eat for dinner? What do I want to eat? Eat, eat, eat, singularly, the toughest decision to be made, on a daily basis. Rough life, isn't it? To eat, to eat, to eat, what to eat? There's enough to be eat, but what? The most time I spend in my day, convert to writing I will, if I may, to consume everything that comes my way, to eat, to eat, to eat. Flow of consciousness be damned, my hunger consumes me. I am eaten by the idea of eating. All thoughts, all mindless drive, all eating. It consumes me. Let it pass through, I will work on through, but never at rest, it will return. It will return, it will consume me. Eats. Eating. Ate.

Sex and Laughter

2007-10-30T02:37:00.001-07:00

As I write this little entry, I'm watching a little entry. Well, the official HBO title is "Bikini Roundup", and as I have the mute on, I'm kind of taking a guess as to the plotline of this late-night masterpiece. There's a stereotypical wild west town, a girl in a bra top on a horse waving a gun around, and a bunch of surf-type rejects in bandanas and bad cowboy plaid. Oh yeah, and the clueless girls that just had sex with the rejects. Wow. There's not much more I can say that needs to justify this insult to celluloid.

Anyway, the point of this blog is to... oh wait... now the three girls are going to have sex with each other because the bad men are gone now.

Aaaand, back to reality. Sex is funny. It's hilarious. Just a bunch of humping and grinding like mindless creatures that don't seem capable of higher brain functions. With the mute on, and watching hilarious SNL digital clips, it doesn't seem that hard to put sex into perspective. It's a biological pursuit, and oftentimes gets in the way of creative genius. I firmly believe that people would get a lot more productiveness (or productivity) if they spent less time trying to get a little som'n som'n.

At least I guess until the sun comes up. Damn that sun.

Personally personal

2007-10-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

I think I figured out the secret to happy personal relationships.

What sparked the desire to demystify (unmystify?) a problem that has been troubling people since the dawn of the "couple"? Well, kind of the fact that I was sick of feeling crappy in my personal relationship(s), and questioning why I felt that way. I guess it always starts with a question.

The answer that dawned on me was not what I expected. When are people in a relationship the most happy about their relationship? When they are not IN a relationship. At least, not yet. The initial period of discovery, of being ecstatic about the other person before the two actually get into a relationship, is when a person is the most caring, unselfish, and loving. Unfortunately, people have a tendency to start feeling entitled when they actually get into the relationship. Why is that? For that answer, we can turn to the undeity himself, Buddha. Buddha had part of the answer: the more that a person receives, the more they want.

People are inherently selfish. Once they start getting what they want from a person, they have a tendency to became complacent and lazy about that person, and start demanding more and more until there is nothing more to be had. Instead of relinquishing all your desires however, which Buddha recommends, it is far more rewarding to control your baser instincts. It's not an easy thing to just let everyone and everything go because it's not in a human being's nature to be alone. However, by allowing yourself the luxuries of having someone special, merged with a sense of deeper emotional control, you can suffer just as much as Buddha would've wanted, but with the reward of a stronger, healthier relationship with your significant other.

So what does this all mean?

Simple. Don't take things personally. There's no rule that says when a person gets into a relationship, he/she belongs to that other person. That's why people break up. There's no guarantees. There's no such thing as "meant to be", and that belief should be left in high school. Avoid the pain by not taking everything personally. Get over yourself. Every moment can be new and special, if you have the self-control and love to keep it that way.

Working in a restaurant

2007-10-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

is a terrible experience, although it has its moments. I guess like a lot of things in life I suppose. I wouldn't go as far as to call it "skilled" labor. It's just a job that requires constant attention. It keeps a person busy, but in the same token, it passes the time rather quickly. The main reason I do it is to make money without having to work all day. I'm proud that I can do it well, and all I ask is that people learn how to appreciate it.

Restaurants make money because people get hungry. It's a basic need that people are willing to dish out their livelihood for, no pun intended. People NEED to eat. But they don't need to GO OUT to eat. It's a LUXURY. Someone comes in with options of delicious food that a normal person does not have the luxury of time to cook or clean up after, and you get to sit without doing any work to get food.

Given these facts, it's safe to assume that someone else is doing all the cooking and cleaning for you. So fucking pay for it. And tip the person that's serving you. Tipping is not an OPTION folks. We make minimum wage, and we work at restaurants because we live off of the extra money that you award us for our services.

Okay, sure, you pay for the food itself. Good for you. And that's the POINT of a restaurant. You get food, you pay for it. However, the tip is for the dining experience. There are places like in'n'out, freaking McDonald's if you just want FOOD. It's the extra service that you come in for. If someone gives you a good dining experience wherein you were not left wanting, you show appreciation with money.

Also, being polite to your server is all well and good. But politeness is just a decent thing to do. A given. We cannot pay our phone bill with your pleases and thank yous. I'd rather have a rude customer tip me well, than get a horrible tip from the NICEST people. Because when you leave, it's with a bitter taste in our mouths. And that's what it comes down to. Horrible, but true. Sorry.

Finally, you notice that the more items you buy, the higher your bill goes? That means that us, the servers at your local restaurant are having to do more work for you in order to get you those extra things that you purchase. What does that mean for you? It means... the tip gets higher the higher the bill gets. It's a PERCENTAGE system, people! I do more work the more shit you buy. Therefore, five dollars is not a good tip across the board. The tax goes higher the higher your bill is, just like the tip percentage. Here's a good rule of thumb: 18%. Seems high? THEN DON'T GO OUT TO EAT! YOU COOK AT HOME, IDIOT! IT'S CHEAPER, and I don't want to have to be the one to take the hit for your fat, lazy ASS that doesn't know how to cook!

So there you go. People of America, you have luxuries that you take for granted. Well stop it. Just. Stop it. Before we leave you for a richer, hipper, sexier people of another country. Like, Norwegians. Or Guamanians.

Line that won't get out of my head

2007-08-29T10:31:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I don't like serious

Acid Washed Jeans

2007-04-29T16:09:00.000-07:00

I've grown accustomed to a bad fit
And the colors that I'm wearing, ain't the half of it
Decide to take a fresh look at myself
But inside I'm still me, no one else

Like the acid washed jeans that I've left behind
Gotta learn to make changes from the inside
No matter how comfortable my skin's become
New patterns will get accustomed

They're called new fads because they get old
The next one moves in before the last gets cold
It's not how quick you can change with the fads
But how you react and adapt and face the facts

DEAR VIRGINIA TECH

2007-04-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my condolences to everyone whose lives were affected in the seemingly meaningless tragedy that occurred yesterday, Monday April 16th, 2007. Your grief is no doubt overwhelming and your sense of loss and devastation incomparable. I can only try to imagine the amount of anguish that people close to those who died are feeling, but my sympathy goes out to everyone affected by this tragedy, and anyone else who has ever lost a person in a tragedy.

The reason I say this is because this occurrence is unique, but also not unique, in US history. It is unique because this is the largest massacre in this country's past, because of where it happened, and who committed the atrocity. These are details. This event is not unique, because violence is not unique. It is not new. It is not surprising. It is the details that lead us to believe that they are.

First of all, school shootings are not new to the US. This trend of violence was highlighted by one of the most notorious shootings of recent history; in Columbine, Colorado. Even before this milestone however, gun violence has been prevalent in the worst parts of this country, where the level of education and the standard of living is low due to lack of money in the educational system and the neighborhood. Gang violence has been happening for as long as gangs have been around, and no one had bothered to do anything about it. No one has questioned why the shootings occurred, why a kid had to die; it was just explained away as gang violence. The straight answer is, no one cared that much. No one wanted to look at the root of the problem. No, not video games. Not the movies that they watched. Not the television shows. The problem is EVERYONE.

No one cares enough to look at themselves as the source of the problem. We are all too busy pointing fingers at others rather than look at the decisions that we all make in our own lives. We are caught up being too important to feel guilty about the lack of a general social consciousness that we are all born with, but are bred out of us. Every single one of us is too important to look outside our immediate sphere of existence in order to come together and solve larger social issues such as gang violence.

This quest for uniqueness and individuality is killing us all. School shootings by one person is a form of gang violence that has changed and mutated with the times. With the advent of personal media and technology, it is easy to surround yourself with inanimate objects that entertain and amuse us for periods of time. Unfortunately, this is not how its meant to be. People were meant to be social creatures, and in this day and age, it has become easier and easier to isolate oneself. By doing so, you are not just choosing to isolate yourself, you choose to alienate a person, alienate people around you. There must be an effort to reach out and care enough about someone other than yourself and just be aware.

I believe Cho Seung-Hui was a victim of such alienation. I do not know whether he was the source of the alienation, or whether he was alienated by others. I did not know Cho Seung-Hui. However, I am a Korean-American, living in this country. I am a male. Most importantly, I am a person. As I listen to the news reports of the kind of person he was, and things that other people remembered about him, before he became legendary in his horrific deed, I realize that, at one point or another, I felt how he did, I went through experiences that others recounted about Cho Seung-Hui.

There were those who made an effort to reach out to this young man, to touch him, despite his obvious anger, and not so obvious desires to commit homicide. These were good efforts, but they weren't good enough. I hope that, before we blame his influences and his environment, and HIM that killed 32 people, we blame ourselves. I have never seen or heard of this young man before this past Monday. It is my fault. It is your fault. For any such tragedies, whether in Compton or Columbine, it is all our faults. No one should dare rest easy and think that there was nothing they could've done. There's ALWAYS something to be done.

Curses!

2007-02-12T00:47:00.000-08:00

Damn that thing must've been cursed... More to come later on.

A Life of Fear

2007-01-31T18:28:00.000-08:00

The irony is that, we live our lives backwards.

Consider our youth. We waste the precious time of our innocence by hoping for the day that we can be older, and wiser, and just tall enough to be able to reach the cookie jar, get on the roller coaster, drive a car, get a credit card, live on your own, etc., etc. We don't get the respect we deserve. The "adults" don't consider our opinions or aren't interested in our passions, and seem to smile and nod politely at whatever thought we manage to coherently express amid the jumble of distractions that threaten to derail our fragile, very impressionable train of thought. We are easily influenced, easily coerced. (There's no "H" in coerced! Imagine that!) And then we really grow up.

This is a central period of our lives. We have achieved adulthood! But at what price? First it's figuring out how to spend money frivolously on things we "need" while being frugal. (A practice that college students everywhere are still trying to puzzle out) Then it's graduating, and finding out that jobs AREN'T aplenty. Your skills are not important to anyone but yourself, and you can't seem to convince anyone otherwise. Once you DO find a job, you consistently second-guess all the choices that, when you were younger thought that when you were older, they would be a lot easier to make than what adults during your youth made them out to be. (And if you can puzzle out that sentence, good for you, keep on reading) College loan payments, mortgage payments, car payments, credit card payments. It goes on and on. You find yourself wishing for a simpler time... when thinking about what excuse to use when being asked about where you learned the "F" word from was the biggest worry in your day (and why you said it to the teacher), all the while wondering when you were going to figure out what the FUCK the "F" word meant. (Also during the adult years, you realize that inventing expletives was mankind's greatest achievement, not harnessing fire.

Finally, people wait for us to die. But we're not ready. We are passed our prime, but we don't really believe that. We say things like "Youth is wasted on the young." We become those adults that had, when we were younger, glossed over our thoughts and opinions in order to reinforce things that they had already learned and didn't want us to repeat, but we had to, because we're all the same. No matter how old we get, we can never stop living in the past. Hindsight is 20/20, and people would rather see clear behind than face the uncertain future.

When we are babies, we are not aware of our mortality. As pain and KNOWLEDGE is introduced into our lives, we create fears within our minds that, while enabling us to live longer lives, have a way of debilitating, and retarding our adventurous ways. The closer we get to death, the more time we spend trying to put it off as long as possible. Fears are justified as healthy, to keep us alive longer. But really, how long are we going to live? Life requires death, and vice versa. A baby, that has potentially a longer life span to look forward to than a 90 year old man has no idea of how "lucky" he is. And by not knowing, he does more to figure things out than someone who has a life-time of knowledge, and yet does not want to accept death as a fact.

A fact does not require belief to be true. Once we can accept death as such, I believe that we can do greater things than anyone could have ever over-thought of.

What a birthday

2007-01-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

So... my family decided to bail on me on my birthday. Granted, this was nothing new. So I don't feel that horribly about it. I guess it was my fault for having my hopes up at all about it.

Soozy definitely pulled through. Her family made my birthday one of the most meaningful and fun ones ever. Makes me wonder what I did to deserve it. My theory is that no one really does deserve such love and affection, but by giving it, we hope that the person that's receiving it will one day become a person who does deserve it, and can pass it along to someone else.

The gun, the comics are just reminders of the birthday that I will always remember.

Lessons in driving

2007-01-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

BEEP! I'm just trying to merge left, so that I don't get stuck in the right turn only lane. Left rear, quick look back. Angry asian middle aged man looking piiiiiissed. I HAVE MY TURN SIGNAL ON! What's the deal? Honk back, bonus extra angry gesture. (Not that one though)

ZOOOM! past me. Okay... Let's engage.

Pull up next to the man. What's your problem? Did you SEE my turn signal?

You pull into, almost crash into my car!

You see me merging? Did I have my turn signal on? Yes, I DID!

You so close! I can't see turn signal. Why you not signal, wave your arm! Can't see, you're too close!

... I... You're... RIGHT!

A lesson in driving.

CHRISTMAS

2006-12-26T01:26:00.000-08:00

That smell you have all over your clothes because your nieces can't stop hugging you? That's love baby! And that feeling that you got while you were driving in the middle of nowhere, in the dark, and at very high speeds, all the while spotting BATS flying overhead? That's TERROR! Losing to someone's (special) 11 year old sister at poker? That's humiliation. All of that makes a recipe for a great Christmas in '06.

Porsche Panamera

2006-12-12T01:39:00.000-08:00

You may be asking, what is a Porsche Panamera? Perhaps another marvel of engineering sports coupe perfection that takes recreational driving to a whole other level? Or an aftermarket upgrade package that helps to further personalize a $100,000 driving experience. I'm sorry to report that this is not the case. If you take a look here, http://www.automobilemag.com/future_cars/2007/0505_porsche_panamera/, you will find that it is in fact, a Porsche Sedan. I'm sorry, SUPER coupe, is supposedly the correct terminology. Given the success of the Cayenne, Porsche decided that it wanted to reach the mid-life crisis family man demographic, as if anyone can imagine trying to haul a family around in this monstrosity, a further perversion of the Porsche legacy.

Now, the Panamera might actually be a decent car, but it sparked a controversy in my head, as to what was more important: Max appeal, or mass appeal? I'm more old-fashioned when thinking about certain things, such as Porsches; they started as sports cars, they should stay that way. Be good at what you do, and be proud of it. Is making money so important that one must compromise what you're known for in order to gain a larger market? Not to me. Because once EVERYONE drives a Porsche, what the hell's the point of having one?

Edit [sic]

2006-10-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

It's really over
You made your stand
You got me crying
As was your plan

Oh my loneliness is through
I don't want another you

You'll take your sweaters
You'll take your time
You might have your reasons
But you will never have my rhymes

I'm gonna sing my way away from blue
I don't want another you

When I was your lover
No one else would do
If I'm forced to find another
I hope she don't look like you
and shes nicer too

So go on baby
Make your little getaway
My pride will keep me company
And you just gave yours all away

Oh, now im gonna dress myself for two
One's for me, and one's for someone new
I'm gonna do some things you wouldn't let me do
I don't want another you

Takebacks

2006-10-20T01:24:00.000-07:00

I'd like to call a foul play
Or spot a mistake within my retro-specs
Wear a pair that could fix my 20/20 in hindsight
Just so I could see what's coming, not just what might

But life doesn't have redos
There's no trump cards and no takebacks
No rules to change and it seems a little strange
To get caught up by the future's impact

Make my own bed that I sleep in
There was nothing wrong with ours as it was back when
Got caught looking to fix what wasn't broken then
And now I'm stuck in my past again

But life doesn't have redos
There's no trump cards and no takebacks
No rules to change and it seems a little strange
To get caught up by the future's impact

Mistaken

2006-10-19T23:49:00.000-07:00

Well that look on your face
Told me everything that I needed to know
Inside I laughed to myself
As I gently eased you into another I told you so

But I don't want to be right
The satisfaction of truth doesn't stay as long as it used to
I might be mistaken
But being wrong for once could be a step worth taking

The silly little arguments that I caught myself in
Occurred to me over and over again
But it feels so good to be right
And it won't let me give up the fight

But I don't want to be right
The satisfaction of truth doesn't stay as long as it used to
I might be mistaken
But being wrong for once could be a step worth taking

And I'll keep fighting now but enough has been said
With the words that come to my mouth from my head
I'll keep struggling now till I'm dead
But with the actions that come from my heart instead

I'm back.

2006-10-12T23:35:00.000-07:00

I'll be blessing this page again soon. SOON!

White Is Right... Right?

2006-09-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

I wake up every morning the same way. There's the jarring sounds of the various alarms that I have set up, both on my clock and on my cell phone. I open my eyes to shapes and colors, all indistinct, all blurry, and yet all retaining the vividness that is associated with objects that have become familiar to me in their unfailing, daily presence. Very possibly, I could get up from my bed, make my way to the bathroom, and engage in my daily morning ritual with my eyes closed. I usually opt not to, as the feeling of being considered legally blind from a very young age forces me to use my eyes as much as possible, to the limited extent of their abilities.

Once I get my contacts in, or my glasses on, depending on how rushed I am that particular morning, I am once again made aware of a ubiquitous realization. I am not white. Or rather, I am Asian. There may not seem to be much difference in either statements; they are both true, and they are both qualifying identifiers. I am not white, but I am Asian. However, these two sentences are loaded with implications of ethno-centrism, racism, pride and nationalism, and self-worth that strike me as both liberating in my consciousness of them, and yet limiting in my effort to achieve a consciousness that reaches beyond the realm of the physical, tangible world. I can compare it to a prison I suppose, given what I know of prison is limited by movies like the Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, and Escape from Alcatraz, and shows on the Discovery Channel. Looking through my eyes, I have the ability to see the world through my perspective. My perspective sees the ethnocentrism, the racism, and nationalism. This is my prison. My perspective ties my proverbial hands behind my back, as I cannot use them to force open other people's eyes, to see through the lens that I have created for myself. I feel as though my truth can be a liberating truth, but a prison when no one else can see what I feel that I can see.

A certain amount of ignorance is necessary in order to live a blissful life. Knowing too much, being aware of too much can be very discouraging. It seems that God had a reason for not wanting Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. It's ironic how some stories, dated as they seem, still retain validity throughout time. Ageless.

I'm very aware of being who and what I am. I am not white. I am Asian. And how did this awareness develop to the level of acuity that it has? When I first came to the States at the age of three, this categorization of race, culture, and color was no more present in my mind than any idea of where I was really headed on this big shiny airplane, the kind which I had excitedly been watching take off and land at the major airport in Seoul. I was going SOMEwhere was all I knew, and I did not know that the childlike optimism and excitement that I retained at that point in time would give way to curiosity for answers in a land that promised material wealth freely but gave little in the ways of true contentment. A land that I would find out later in life wrongly equated wealth for fulfillment. Furthermore, this equality was the only equality I would have to look forward to.

Identity

2006-08-29T17:48:00.000-07:00

My daily struggle. Who am I? What defines me? Is it the things I DO that define me, or who I am on the inside? ... Simply speaking, who I am would be reflected by the things that I do. In an ideal world. Unfortunately, God has shown me many signs that I do not, in fact, live in an ideal world. If I could describe my existence in one word, it would be... paradoxical.

A paradox is defined as "a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth." I feel as though my sense of self and identity is self-contradictory or absurd because my identity is in itself a search for my identity. However, the second part of that textbook definition of paradox is what gives me some sense of comfort. "In reality [it] expresses a possible truth". I'm working towards expressing a possible truth. Eventually. One day at a time.

isn't the club scene ridiculous?

2006-08-24T23:47:00.000-07:00

Scene IV

*scene up at a bar. ... is dancing her heart out, surrounded by her "best" girlfriends, who take turns protecting each other from creepy guys while trying to reel in the best looking ones.*

...: I need a drink.

Girl 1: Okay, sounds good. Let's grab our purses and get to the bar.

*camera focuses in on "da playa". he emerges from a group of his "ho"mies and homies and follows ... to the bar. in the ensuing madness at the bar, he makes his way next to our heroine, while her less blessed friends get pulled away to the back of the bar line*

...: Could I get a vodka tonic please?

Playa: Same here.

...: Didn't figure you for a vodka tonic person.

Playa: You kidding girl? It's my favorite drink. What'd you think I would drink?

...: Jager?

Playa: You think, because of the way I look, that I drink Jager? I left that junk back in my youth.

...: I'm sorry.

Playa: It's cool. What's your name? You know what, it doesn't even matter once we get our clothes off later on.

...: *giggle* You're funny.

Playa: Ha ha. Of course I am. I'm here to make you feel good baby. You come here alone?

...: No, I'm here with... where'd they go? Great. Now I have to go look for their drunk asses.

Playa: No no, I'm sure they'll be fine. Stay here and talk. It'll be cool.

...: *giggles* Okay.

*scene change to her bedroom. clothes are being removed in a very drunk way. her cell phone ringing goes unnoticed. the caller ID says JAMIE. cut in to the next morning, phone ringing. ... notices a note on her dresser that says "man that was too easy. hit it again later. p.s. I hate vodka tonic". she crumples the note in frustration, and picks up her phone to look at her caller ID. she sees Jamie's name and for a second considers answering it, but doesn't. she looks vaguely wistful and nostalgic, but puts down the phone.

sometimes you should just keep your mouth shut

2006-08-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

*RING*

...: Hello?

*wailing from the other side*

...: Hello? Hello? Who is this?

JAMIE: It's me.

...: Me who? Jamie?? What's going on? It's the middle of the night!

JAMIE: I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to not love you and want to be with you!

...: Seriously Jamie? I can't do this right now. I've got to get up in the morning. We'll talk later.

JAMIE: You're the only girl I've ever considered marrying, you know that? I can't imagine being with anyone else!

...: Well, you don't really have a choice in the matter Jamie. No. NO! I am not going to do this with you. Good night Jamie.

JAMIE: I just took a whole bunch of pills. ...Cyanide pills.

...: Really?

JAMIE: No. But I had a whole bunch of aspirin.

...: Oh God Jamie I'm going to bed.

JAMIE: NO NO NO WAIT! Wait! Just stay and talk with me. For like five minutes. PLEASE!

...: ...

JAMIE: Please?

...: Fine... Five minutes. That's IT!

JAMIE: So... how're you doing?

...: I'm fine.

JAMIE: Your parents good?

...: Of course.

JAMIE: You still with Paul?

*Clip of MAGIC!*

...: Yes James. I am still with Paul.

JAMIE: How is that going?

...: Fine.

JAMIE: Getting married?

...: I don't know. It's only been a couple of months.

JAMIE: Is he good in bed?

...: What?

JAMIE: Is he better than me?

...: Good night Jamie.

JAMIE: Okay fine... Bye. I hope you're happy when I die.

Script.

2006-08-20T13:14:00.000-07:00

If anyone reads this blog, you'll notice two particular posts that I made on August 12th and the 20th. They are lines in a short I will hopefully have filmed before the year is out. I'm about words, and speech, and through the script, I can see things and actions and scenes that unfold in my mind. I'm taking a "words first approach" to my screenwriting because the idea that I have for the short is so strong. I figure I will write out all of the dialogue first and have a storyboard laid out in my head as the words are created. I've just finished Scene II as shown, and hopefully will end up with 5-7 scenes comprising a 10-15 minute short film.

It's you, not me

2006-08-20T13:10:00.000-07:00

SCENE II

JAMIE: Hello? Oh hey. Wow, it's been so long.

JAMIE: Sarcasm? No, of course not. Just glad to be talking to my "best friend", of course.

JAMIE: Yeah, no. Right now, I'm just looking for another job. Taking my time. I really want to find something I enjoy and want to do for a long time.

JAMIE: You want to see me? Okay. Any particular reason? All right. Yeah, there's some people over, but we can talk somewhere.

JAMIE: Sooo, what's up? It's great to finally see you.

...: What's that supposed to mean? You know what, you were being really weird earlier on the phone too.

JAMIE: Nothing. I'm just saying.

...: Saying what?

JAMIE: Hey you're my "best friend". Figure it out.

...: Whatevs. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with you, and see what's going on in your life.

JAMIE: Really? Huh. You said you needed to talk to me about something. That's what I thought was the real reason you were here. It's nice to know you still care.

...: Seriously? Jamie, I don't need this attitude right now.

JAMIE: Well, what the hell do you expect?

...: What do you mean?

JAMIE: Okay, let me break this down to you. You were my girlfriend, yes?

...: Yes.

JAMIE:We broke up three weeks ago, yes?

...: Yes.

JAMIE: Mutual understanding, yes? We both needed some time to be apart, yes?

...: Yes, and yes. Jamie where is this going?

JAMIE: Shh, I'm not done yet. How many times have you called me in the past three weeks?

...: I don't know. Once or twice?

JAMIE: EH! Wrong. Zero. Not once.

....: Really? Huh, I could've sworn...

JAMIE: Nope, sorry. Also, these were your words, no? "Hey Jamie, I think it's so hard to find people that know you and I as well as each other. I really hope nothing changes between us while we're apart."

...: Yeah they are, but Jamie...

JAMIE: All I'm saying is that I know why you're here. Three weeks of... nothing, and then you show up and need to talk? Hmm... I wonder what she could possibly have to NEED to talk about that she hasn't for three weeks?

...: That's not fair, you're not even giving me a chance to talk.

JAMIE: So talk.

...: Okay, well, I met someone.

JAMIE:...

...: And it just happened. I promise I wasn't cheating on you when we were together. But it's really great. He's so kind and understanding, and I've grown so much in the past three weeks, it's incredible.

JAMIE: ...

...: It's Abe.

JAMIE: He's only wanted to hang out with you every night till 4 in the morning, while we were together. Seriously, you didn't see this coming? Using your trust to get you in bed? God, some friend he turned out to be.

...: This is not about sex, or any of that, it just HAPPENED. And it happened to be something great.

JAMIE: Okay. Yeah, fine. I'm really happy for you. Can you go now?

...: You mean that? You're happy for me?

JAMIE: Of course. What else would I be? I'm not out to destroy your life just because we're not together.

...: Thanks Jamie. We'll talk okay?

JAMIE: Sure we will. See you around.

END SCENE II

Secrets

2006-08-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Ebmaj7, Cm7, Fm7, Bb13 sounds pretty good

Some Secrets
See the problem I see today
It's becoming so easy to push love away
Everybody seems to think they know what it is
But would they have treated it, the way that they did

The women have become too strong for love
They act as if their strength alone is enough
They'll play around just to prove that they can get down
It's the fear of hurt & pain that stops them from reaching out

And who's more afraid than the fellas?
Sleeping around and acting hard because
It's easier than admitting to themselves
That they need someone to lean on as well

Everybody's got some secrets
That they don't want to tell, they just want to keep it
But it makes no sense that we can't tell
How everyone needs a little love to be well

And love, love, love, love, love, love, love
Should be as simple as saying it over and over again
But we've got to try, try, try to not lose ourselves before we find ourselves again

Zombie Ant Half-Tone

2006-08-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's Not What You Think

2006-08-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

...:Jamie. Wake up Jamie... Jamie, what the hell is the matter with you? It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm pretty sure that you had work about an hour ago!

Jamie: Uhh...

...: Seriously Jamie, I'm so sick of this. Jamie? Every morning, no you don't even get up until the afternoon, and then you come home after work, or whatever, complain about being tired, and then we have sex and then go to sleep. FUCK!

Jamie: Mmmm... What's wrong?

...: I'm so frustrated. Every morning, I'm anxious and nervous about things I'm not getting done. I'm cussing left and right like a goddamn sailor, and I just...

Jamie: Well, you don't have to stay in bed with me till I get up. You can go do what you need to do. And plus, I think your language is sexy. Come here.

...: No... NO! Don't. I'm serious Jamie. I don't like who I am right now. I don't like the way I become when I'm around you every day.

Jamie: So don't come over all the time. We can spend some nights apart, if you can handle not taking your medicine. Some penis-cillin? Eh, eh?

...: ... Yeah... Maybe you're right... Listen, I've got to meet with my mom right now. I'll call you later okay?

Jamie: Yeah. What time is it anyway?

...: The clock's on the wall. Look for yourself. Maybe you can get your ass out of bed and get your life started.

Jamie: What's that supposed to mean?

...: Nothing. I'll call you later.

Jamie: Shit! Hello? Yeah Kirk. Sorry dude. I had a car problem. Yeah, I'll be in in about thirty. Okay, see you soon.

Yeah you're right :-)

2006-08-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

I thought about what you mentioned last night. How when we first met, I must've been saying to myself, "What the hell is up with this girl?" Yeah, you were definitely right. Meeting you was one of those moments in your life that you hardly think about, but if and when you do, it shakes you to your core as to what a huge impact it was in your life. Much like many events that occur, of course, in the course of living, but the significance lies in the fact that it's such an active, animated exchange that is stimulated between two people, exclusively.

Thank you for being so unpretentious and bare. I can only regret that I counter-balanced your enthusiasm and honesty with a selfishness that even the most spoiled children can rarely exude, made worse that the age of childhood is so long past. You are so unique in my life because as much as you were there for me, you vividly awakened a sense of greater consciousness in my mind for the world and the people around me.

It's unfair of course that this puts tremendous pressure on me in my life to do the same for you and others. I pray to the 8lb 6oz baby Jesus in his ghost manger that I will have some amount of success when it comes to this journey I've put myself on.

- Jineus

headcase.com

2006-08-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

People are such conundrums. I've actually done a fairly good job at figuring us out, on the whole. We're not so much a mystery to me as much we once might've been. But we are conundrums to ourselves. We are, without being. We're alive without living. We breathe but can't smell. We're sustainable, but insatiable. I guess that is the definition of the human condition.

I've gone through a lot of myself and understood it, but am unable to find my own contentment with the end results of my determination. The issue that is on my mind in particular has to do with a person's view of oneself and his/ her self-worth, insofar as it is defined on myspace.com. The lure of myspace is many-fold. It's a great way to procrastinate, an easy way to present yourself via catch phrases and visual stimuli, and to some, a HR pool to find your next ONS (One Night Stand, for you non-Dane-Cookers).

The second part is what interests me the most. Is that who you are? Your perception of yourself, or how you want others to perceive you? I wish I could say otherwise, but the latter seems to makes more sense. To me, it seems reasonable to assume that myspace has become a way to streamline your personal presentation to other people. The photo angles that are most becoming, the musical tastes that are the most unconventional or unique, the pictures and backgrounds that have been overused since the creation of the internet.

There are just so many people, that it doesn't even matter anymore how much of your life is a regurgitation or a repackaging of someone else's. It's a fruitless search for meaning and individuality. And yet... somehow, we all keep going on. What a conundrum. Logically, this whole... process makes no sense; but being human, I can't find any wrong in the way that it is.

Video Games

2006-07-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

Video games trivialize life.

- Me

M. Night Shyamalan

2006-07-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

I sure hope I'm doing the right thing... The universe will supposedly be giving signs to me that things are either good or bad. Hmmm... Still waiting.

Are you better off being single? (Thanks Andy)

2006-07-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

Reason #1: You have a better body.
We've all been there—you get into a relationship, and suddenly you're trying out new recipes all the time and cuddling instead of exercising. Well, things tend to get worse with marriage. A recent Cornell University study found that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first 10 years.

For the unmarried, though, the motivation to stay slim remains: "Singles look at themselves through the eyes of others and want to be attractive to potential partners," says Susan Davis, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City, "so they're still 'working on themselves.'" In short, being single is way better than any New Year's resolution or exercise DVD to motivate you to stay in shape.

Reason #2: You're more likely to achieve great things.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have the time, the quiet and the lack of familial responsibilities. In fact, your premarital motivation to excel in life may be biologically programmed. According to a study conducted at the London School of Economics and Political Scientists, male scientists who stay single longer peak in their careers later in life and tend to be more productive than their married counterparts. Researchers theorize that men, in general, may show off their talents to win the interest of women and then, once they've won a wife, get comfortable and do less. In fact, studies have shown that testosterone levels, which boost action, decrease after a man gets married and has children. So single folk should know they are primed to achieve — whether that means turbo-charging their careers or honing their rock-climbing skills — and get out there and work it!

Reason #3: You do less housework.
You know that saying about a tree falling in a forest and there's no one there to hear it? Well, if you leave a sock on the floor but there's no one else there to see it, does it really need to be picked up? If you're a single woman, you can contemplate deep questions like this one because you have more free time. According to one study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, women do less housework when single than when married. Men, on the other hand, do more housework when unmarried (that's probably because there's someone picking up after them once they're wed…). So the message here is for unmarried women to enjoy their less chore-filled life; fill those free hours with classes, good books, blabbing with friends—whatever makes you happy.

Reason #4: You can do what you want with your money—including keep it.
Go ahead: Splurge on that pricey moisturizer or that obscenely large plasma TV you've been lusting after. You don't have to justify your purchase to anyone but yourself. Once you mix money with marriage, though, things change—and fast. According to a survey by SmartMoney magazine, 40 percent of women and 36 percent of men have lied to their spouses about a purchase. "When you're single, your finances are your own," explains Phyllis Chase, a Los Angeles–based psychologist and co-host of the radio show Shrink Rap. "When you're married, you have to deal with different styles of spending and saving, and you may take on your partner's debt." And a marriage that doesn't make it for the long haul can also have a major negative effect on one's wealth. According to researchers at Ohio State University's Center for Human Resource Research, during a divorce, men and women generally lose three-fourths of their personal net worth. Double ouch.

Reason #5: You have better sex.
Married couples may have more sex (approximately 98 times a year vs. singles' 49), but singles have better sex. According to a recent study published in the British Medical Journal, married women are significantly more likely to report problems with their sex lives than single women. "People who are dating have better sex because it's novel," says Davis. "Married people have to relearn how to play. It's natural for singles because that's the nature of a courting relationship—they tease, they experiment, they explore." Nature lends a helping hand, too. According to researchers at the University of Pisa in Italy, raging testosterone levels in both men and women makes the sex hotter during the first two years of a relationship. After that, other hormones take over—most notably, oxytocin, a bonding chemical, kicks in. While getting connected and comfortable is a positive step in a relationship, long-term lovers have to work harder to keep things hot in the bedroom. Singles, however, sizzle just the way they are.

Reason #6: You're better rested and smarter.
While snuggling up next to a warm body can be pretty fantastic, according to a survey conducted by the National Sleep Foundation, your bedmate can cause you to lose an average of 49 minutes of sleep per night. Sleeping two-to-a-bed just isn't as restful as snoozing solo. Other studies confirm that singles generally get more rest — seven to eight hours of sleep a night — than marrieds, which enhances memory, mood and concentration, as well as allows your immune system to recharge. And, according to scientists at the University of Luebeck in Germany, creativity and problem-solving may directly correlate with getting enough sleep. In the study, participants were given a math puzzle; those who'd had eight hours of sleep or more before tackling it were three times more likely to get the right answer than those who slept less. So, singles, revel in the fact that you're alert, rested and have that extra brain-power edge.

Reason #7: You're less depressed.
Although the media often perpetuates the image of single people being down in the dumps, overall unmarried people tend to be happier than their married counterparts—if you're a woman, that is. One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially ones with children, have a higher risk for depression than single women, and researchers at the University of London found that single women generally have fewer mental-health issues. "Marriage, in many ways, seems to benefit men more than women," says Davis. "For women, there's more of a loss of self." And, of course, today's women often feel like they need to do it all—have a career, take care of the kids and perform other traditionally "female" responsibilities. "People who aren't married are still investing in themselves," says Davis. "It's not selfish—it's giving to yourself, and that's something married people can learn from single people."

Reason #8: You have better friendships.
Significant others are a wonderful thing, no doubt, but friends count, too. And on that front, one study found that, when women get married and have children, they spend much less time with their friends—less than five hours a week, down from 14 hours. Singles, however, often have the greatest sense of friendship and community—which can actually decrease stress levels, according to researchers at UCLA.

Here's another way to look at this: "Singles don't rely on just one person to meet their needs. You don't automatically know who you're going to spend Friday night with," says Sasha Cagen, author of Quirkyalone: A Manifesto for Uncompromising Romantics. "The plus side is that you have a lot of different people in your life and potentially a greater sense of social possibilities."

Reason #9: Your travel tales are enviable.
Marrieds take the most vacations, dominating the market with 62 percent of all trips taken, but singles arguably go on more interesting trips. According to the Travel Industry Association of America, singles corner the adventure-travel market, engaging in activities like whitewater rafting, scuba diving and mountain biking. Being single and relatively footloose certainly allows you to expand your geographical — and personal — borders. "I have lived abroad, backpacked for close to a year, have been in love three times and much more," says Courtney Davis, 27, a media-relations manager in Boston. "With every place and every person, my world has expanded."

Reason #10: You know yourself—and what you want out of a relationship.
You're a better catch now than you were at 20. You may have signs of, ahem, experience etched on your face, but that's OK because you're more interesting and more self-aware. Not only have you grown as a person, but you've probably been through the ringer a few times in matters of love and now know what you want—and what you don't. Experts say that bodes well for future marital success and may actually decrease the likelihood of divorce. "When people get married young, they often feel like the other person will complete them, and they have trouble moving past that Hollywood myth," explains Chase. "But maturity brings so much, because if you're able to communicate who you are and what you want, the better your chances of having a successful marriage." And that's a wonderful message: Your single self is great... and should you find the right person and decide to marry, you're more likely to thrive in that stage of your life, too.

Re: Mmmmm...

2006-07-24T03:16:00.000-07:00

I have so many ideas. Like Misunderstood Zombie Ant. Or, Z-ant. And other such things.

Test Mail

2006-07-24T03:12:00.000-07:00

Testing, 1, 4, 5

Nick Lachey

2006-07-21T14:25:00.000-07:00

I had to give him a chance. He's not TERRIBLE. I actually sat and listened to his whole song. Well, Vanessa Mannilo definitely eased the transition of watching his music video. Ha.

Whenever you're down...

2006-07-17T01:39:00.000-07:00

Because it's easy to lose perspective. You blow a tire, you lose someone you love in your life, the damned line of ants keep reappearing inside your bathroom even though you have NO FOOD in there, guess what? You're not the first, you're not the last, you're not the only person to have ever felt the way you do. Your feelings are valid, but put it in perspective.

God's got a handle on the wheel, and you can either choose to keep it moving, or be stuck in a rut, spinning your tires in the mire.

It is not your fault, and to assume that you have more control over things that happen in your life than you actually do is a waste of your time.

SUPERHUMAN

2006-07-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

Day to day
Moment by moment
Took it out of you, by taking it out on you
And you had no answer
I needed proof you couldn't master

Never knew I could be a problem
Didn't know a lot of things so's I can solve them
And if I did, maybe you wouldn't be involved in 'em
I could love you, love you, love you then

Thought I had to be superhuman
To be what I thought that you needed
Something more than who I am and exceed
You expectations, but it was just me

You gave me that weak kneed feeling
But found out that I'm my own weakness
Expected to give you the world
Extraordinary, not so average girl

Rants, raves, stories, and thoughts from the heart

2006-07-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

This blog is about my mental liberation. So much time is spent in thinking and reflecting, and so little time passes before the product of my mental simmering is lost forever. What a waste of my life. Thus, this little blog, whether it attracts anyone to try to digest the incoherency of my mind or not, will be the most accurate representation of who I am: all my anger, frustration, happy thoughts, random questions, "creative" stories and anecdotes. Maybe there will be some stream of (sub)consciousness? that links together all of the crazy that spills forth, that I myself have great trouble comprehending. Or perhaps in the end, all this writing will ultimately prove my sanity. More to come, less to hide.