Resistance is futile

I think I spend too much time resisting influence from the people and environment around me. It all started innocently enough. I just wanted to be in tune without having to retune. At some point, I just started being contrary and disagreeable. It would be nice to return to a sense of child-like curiosity and a complete lack of self-absorption.

Here's to being like waaaaahtuh.

Fester is my uncle's name

It's funny how, no matter how carefree you may act, you find yourself still affected by stimuli to which you never even gave conscious thought. Emotions come pouring out of you with the proper trigger; a trigger that hopefully comes sooner rather than later. Otherwise you find yourself regurgitating an unending stream of partially coagulated, completely unacknowledged feelings, about which you wonder, "where the hell did all that come from?"

I guess it's healthy for that sort of release, because I don't think everyone has the time (or the desire to see a shrink), and vent in a "neutral" and "safe" environment. Neutral and safe never got anyone anywhere. For those that lack the source of the emotional equivalent of a very sharp tack to the overinflated balloon that is your subconscious mind, a psychiatrist might be recommended.

I on the other hand, don't want to see a psychiatrist, nor do I want to bleed my emotional guts to anyone in my life. I can see the sanguinary footprints behind me as I tread upon my own percolating emotions. Red is my favorite color.

Two days later...

Now, people who know me realize that I'm not a bullshitter. When I smell bullshit, I tend to sniff it out. Not because I necessarily like to keep it real ALL the time, sometimes I like the smell of poop. (Just kidding, just kidding.)

However, in all seriousness, I am extremely concerned. What am I concerned with? The election of Barack Obama. I was as happy as everyone else was when I saw the news that Barack Obama was the President-elect, by a landslide. The people of the United States seemed to be capable of looking past racial barriers and visible differences and elect the man who seemed to be the best suited for the job as the leader of the Free World. The newly mobilized youth of the nation as well as those that had never before voted in an election heeded the call to establish their heretofore unfelt presence. In addition, seeing those people who in the century prior had marched to gain their civil rights as United States citizens finally see the ultimate fruition of their efforts was stirring, to say the least.

So what's the problem? ALL THE HYPE! Part of my mind argues that George W. Bush has screwed up so badly that anything that the next president does would be better. He has, as Chris Rock so eloquently put it, "fucked up so bad that he made it hard for a WHITE man to be elected president". What if something goes wrong? What if the economy doesn't recover? What if the hype of hope doesn't carry us over the next four years? Things just don't get better overnight. Given this fact, what exactly do the citizens of this great nation expect?

Bill Clinton was a great president, but a lot of people don't know how great. When asked, most people will say that what they remember is a girl, a cigar placed IN that girl, and a stain ON her dress. The other thing brought up is that nothing ever seemed to happen. Bill Clinton was constantly working hard to make sure it stayed that way. Bad times are more common than good times, and President Clinton, a Rhodes Scholar by the way, recognized and dealt with this fact. Despite criticism and scandal, the man did his job well by making sure we as a nation thrived. We may remember him fondly, especially after dealing with an funtionally retarded person as "President" for the last eight years, but don't seem to fully appreciate his accomplishments.

Barack Obama has the huge burden of bearing the weight of his position, as well as the burden of expectation. I worry, but hope for the best.

"A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but ought to be." - Rosalynn Carter

Cell phones made me lose my faith in humanity

The sad thing is that I didn't realize I had any faith to begin with.

I became aware of this loss very recently. It was a gradual process, a process I believe that started at least a couple of years ago, back when I was still in school. I was on the campus shuttle, the one that loops around the... campus... around and around and around and around... but I digress. Anyway, a girl is talking someone's ear off on her cell phone, as well as everyone else's ear in the whole goddamn shuttle. Cell phone technology has improved from "the Brick" of the 80's. It is not necessary to yell into the receiver to have yourself be heard. I told her to shut the fuck up, because no one else was doing it. She got quieter, to her credit as a human being. The thing that astounded me about the whole situation, aside from this girl's idiocy, was the fact that no one in that entire bus said anything to this girl before I got on.

As much as cell phones have facilitated communication between people, it has also had the reverse effect of isolating people more than ever. The ability to call anyone from anywhere is also the ability to avoid people. In a society where everyone is so paranoid of everyone else and the only incentive to talk to another person is to get fulfill a selfish desire, we have gotten so good at thinking that we're so much more connected when we're actually more alone than ever. Myspace? Facebook? It's a pale representation of what a true human to human relationship is. It's easy to sit at home on your laptop and list your interests, favorite movies, whatever, on your Myspace profile, instead of sitting down with an actual person, asking questions, being surprised and overwhelmed by getting to know someone for real, instead of just faux. It's too easy.

What the heart wants to say

If hearts could speak, maybe we would listen better. If tongues had feelings, maybe we would stop speaking hurtful words. If eyes could think, maybe we would be less concerned with the way things appear to be. If brains had heart, maybe we would feel more for the people around us.

My heart speaks to me, and I no longer want to hear it weep. My tongue feels thick with the words I have chosen never to say. My eyes stay closed so there's no chance to be concerned. My brain remains heartless.

Did I mention I'm playing my country playlist? I always come back to music that doesn't recognize me as a fanbase, but somehow can accurately sing the things I can't say.

Meeting people

I am now fully moved into my new place out in Venice, Los Angeles. It's a few miles from Venice Beach, about six miles from work, and central to a lot of cool places in the area. I'm excited to get exploring. I should be able to do that, considering I no longer have to spend 2-3 hours in my day getting to and from work. I had to do that while staying with my sister, and being this close to work gives me a lot more free time than I've had in the past five months. It's an exciting period of my life.

I have two housemates, Jim and Gloria. Jim is a video-game tester at Activision, aspiring to be a game programmer. He smokes a lot of pot. Gloria is a bartender at Q's on Wilshire, finishing school at SMC. They are both super chill, and the apartment is really great. So far, so good. I hope this living situation will be a good one for me.

Gloria went on a date tonight. This was a curious situation to me because Gloria and I had talked about dating not being an ideal situation for either of us in meeting people, a few weeks ago before I moved in. I asked her why she was going on a date. She responded with "How else are you supposed to meet new people?" How indeed?

I never liked the idea of dating. It seems like a very outdated social tradition in which two people figure out the best way of facilitating the removal of clothing in order to have sex. At least from my, a guy's perspective. A man has to appear well put together and not too idiotic for the girl to feel that he could be a good potential long term relationship candidate, and the girl has to be sexually appealing in order to keep the man's attention for a decent period of time.

Sometimes first dates end with sex. I have no problem with that, although I lose interest after that happens. If there is a lot more substance to the girl than I realized, or if she's attractive enough, I might stay interested, but the problem is just that the sex is the main incentive, biologically at least. If it happens too soon, the natural reaction is for me to look elsewhere for my next conquest.

Given this outlook that I have, and if one knows my propensity to search for a deeper meaning to everything around me, one might be realize why I would have a problem with dating. Sex is nice, but it confuses the issues so much as I see any interaction between a man and a woman to indicate sexual interest. And usually I'm right. It's a constant struggle to keep my intelligence higher than my belt-line. How to meet women and not feel like each encounter is just the means to a sexual end? Am I really interested in the person, or am I just interested in creating seduction strategies?

Sex & the City

IT'S A GOOD SHOW, WHAT!

And, I'm excited to see my lady Sarah Jessica Parker up on the big screen for this flick. I've never heard of any straight guy who loves her but me. I don't care, she's hot.

Anyway, the reason for this entry is because I'm watching the episode after Aidan gets back together with Carrie. Carrie had, awhile ago, cheated on Aidan with Mr. Big. She decided she wanted him back, which was the struggle she was having last episode. After being berated by Aidan on his front porch, she ran home thinking there was no hope for their future. However, as expected, Aidan eventually came around.

This episode was all about how Aidan and Carrie reconcile their latent feelings after getting back together. It was really painful to watch. After going through what I've gone through in the past few months as well as last year, it was difficult to watch the show without mirroring my own experiences in the two characters.

One of the things that really struck home for me was Aidan's emotional separation from Carrie. After being hurt so deeply by her, he wanted to be with her, but couldn't bring himself to commit the way that he had before. As Carrie expressed in the show, can you forgive if you can't forget? That's something with which I still struggle, and have no idea whether or not I would put myself in such a vulnerable position again. The soul would love to, but the mind wants revenge and the heart wants to be left alone.

It was very awkward to watch Carrie as she struggled to be the best girlfriend she could be, walking Aidan's dog, reminding Aidan what a great guy he was, and putting herself out there over and over again, even though she could see in his eyes that he was fighting to keep himself from saying all the things that he wanted to say. Would it be a more manly thing to do to keep all the hurt inside and pretend nothing was wrong, or to let it all out and say everything that is eating you up inside?

Another poignant moment was Carrie begging Aidan for forgiveness with her tears. Is that what I want? Do I want tears? Do I want someone to beg for forgiveness? Or do I want more than that? A revenge fuck maybe? At the very least, feel better about myself as a person fuck. How long will it take to go away?

I already know Carrie is going to marry Big in the upcoming movie. I think it should be Aidan. I want the great guy to win.

There is a saving grace to this major plot flaw though. In an industry where the media is flooded with "nice" guys that happen to all be independently wealthy and eligible and win the girl, I think this will portray a reflection of how the world actually is. Great guys don't win. Rich guys do. Because women want security more than anything else in the world. If the guy happens to be halfway decent to her, they luck out. But they're not above selling a little bit of happiness for the house and the Mercedes.