Identity

My daily struggle. Who am I? What defines me? Is it the things I DO that define me, or who I am on the inside? ... Simply speaking, who I am would be reflected by the things that I do. In an ideal world. Unfortunately, God has shown me many signs that I do not, in fact, live in an ideal world. If I could describe my existence in one word, it would be... paradoxical.

A paradox is defined as "a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth." I feel as though my sense of self and identity is self-contradictory or absurd because my identity is in itself a search for my identity. However, the second part of that textbook definition of paradox is what gives me some sense of comfort. "In reality [it] expresses a possible truth". I'm working towards expressing a possible truth. Eventually. One day at a time.

isn't the club scene ridiculous?

Scene IV

*scene up at a bar. ... is dancing her heart out, surrounded by her "best" girlfriends, who take turns protecting each other from creepy guys while trying to reel in the best looking ones.*

...: I need a drink.

Girl 1: Okay, sounds good. Let's grab our purses and get to the bar.

*camera focuses in on "da playa". he emerges from a group of his "ho"mies and homies and follows ... to the bar. in the ensuing madness at the bar, he makes his way next to our heroine, while her less blessed friends get pulled away to the back of the bar line*

...: Could I get a vodka tonic please?

Playa: Same here.

...: Didn't figure you for a vodka tonic person.

Playa: You kidding girl? It's my favorite drink. What'd you think I would drink?

...: Jager?

Playa: You think, because of the way I look, that I drink Jager? I left that junk back in my youth.

...: I'm sorry.

Playa: It's cool. What's your name? You know what, it doesn't even matter once we get our clothes off later on.

...: *giggle* You're funny.

Playa: Ha ha. Of course I am. I'm here to make you feel good baby. You come here alone?

...: No, I'm here with... where'd they go? Great. Now I have to go look for their drunk asses.

Playa: No no, I'm sure they'll be fine. Stay here and talk. It'll be cool.

...: *giggles* Okay.

*scene change to her bedroom. clothes are being removed in a very drunk way. her cell phone ringing goes unnoticed. the caller ID says JAMIE. cut in to the next morning, phone ringing. ... notices a note on her dresser that says "man that was too easy. hit it again later. p.s. I hate vodka tonic". she crumples the note in frustration, and picks up her phone to look at her caller ID. she sees Jamie's name and for a second considers answering it, but doesn't. she looks vaguely wistful and nostalgic, but puts down the phone.

sometimes you should just keep your mouth shut

*RING*

...: Hello?

*wailing from the other side*

...: Hello? Hello? Who is this?

JAMIE: It's me.

...: Me who? Jamie?? What's going on? It's the middle of the night!

JAMIE: I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to not love you and want to be with you!

...: Seriously Jamie? I can't do this right now. I've got to get up in the morning. We'll talk later.

JAMIE: You're the only girl I've ever considered marrying, you know that? I can't imagine being with anyone else!

...: Well, you don't really have a choice in the matter Jamie. No. NO! I am not going to do this with you. Good night Jamie.

JAMIE: I just took a whole bunch of pills. ...Cyanide pills.

...: Really?

JAMIE: No. But I had a whole bunch of aspirin.

...: Oh God Jamie I'm going to bed.

JAMIE: NO NO NO WAIT! Wait! Just stay and talk with me. For like five minutes. PLEASE!

...: ...

JAMIE: Please?

...: Fine... Five minutes. That's IT!

JAMIE: So... how're you doing?

...: I'm fine.

JAMIE: Your parents good?

...: Of course.

JAMIE: You still with Paul?

*Clip of MAGIC!*

...: Yes James. I am still with Paul.

JAMIE: How is that going?

...: Fine.

JAMIE: Getting married?

...: I don't know. It's only been a couple of months.

JAMIE: Is he good in bed?

...: What?

JAMIE: Is he better than me?

...: Good night Jamie.

JAMIE: Okay fine... Bye. I hope you're happy when I die.

Script.

If anyone reads this blog, you'll notice two particular posts that I made on August 12th and the 20th. They are lines in a short I will hopefully have filmed before the year is out. I'm about words, and speech, and through the script, I can see things and actions and scenes that unfold in my mind. I'm taking a "words first approach" to my screenwriting because the idea that I have for the short is so strong. I figure I will write out all of the dialogue first and have a storyboard laid out in my head as the words are created. I've just finished Scene II as shown, and hopefully will end up with 5-7 scenes comprising a 10-15 minute short film.

It's you, not me

SCENE II

JAMIE: Hello? Oh hey. Wow, it's been so long.

JAMIE: Sarcasm? No, of course not. Just glad to be talking to my "best friend", of course.

JAMIE: Yeah, no. Right now, I'm just looking for another job. Taking my time. I really want to find something I enjoy and want to do for a long time.

JAMIE: You want to see me? Okay. Any particular reason? All right. Yeah, there's some people over, but we can talk somewhere.




JAMIE: Sooo, what's up? It's great to finally see you.

...: What's that supposed to mean? You know what, you were being really weird earlier on the phone too.

JAMIE: Nothing. I'm just saying.

...: Saying what?

JAMIE: Hey you're my "best friend". Figure it out.

...: Whatevs. Anyway, I just wanted to touch base with you, and see what's going on in your life.

JAMIE: Really? Huh. You said you needed to talk to me about something. That's what I thought was the real reason you were here. It's nice to know you still care.

...: Seriously? Jamie, I don't need this attitude right now.

JAMIE: Well, what the hell do you expect?

...: What do you mean?

JAMIE: Okay, let me break this down to you. You were my girlfriend, yes?

...: Yes.

JAMIE:We broke up three weeks ago, yes?

...: Yes.

JAMIE: Mutual understanding, yes? We both needed some time to be apart, yes?

...: Yes, and yes. Jamie where is this going?

JAMIE: Shh, I'm not done yet. How many times have you called me in the past three weeks?

...: I don't know. Once or twice?

JAMIE: EH! Wrong. Zero. Not once.

....: Really? Huh, I could've sworn...

JAMIE: Nope, sorry. Also, these were your words, no? "Hey Jamie, I think it's so hard to find people that know you and I as well as each other. I really hope nothing changes between us while we're apart."

...: Yeah they are, but Jamie...

JAMIE: All I'm saying is that I know why you're here. Three weeks of... nothing, and then you show up and need to talk? Hmm... I wonder what she could possibly have to NEED to talk about that she hasn't for three weeks?

...: That's not fair, you're not even giving me a chance to talk.

JAMIE: So talk.

...: Okay, well, I met someone.

JAMIE:...

...: And it just happened. I promise I wasn't cheating on you when we were together. But it's really great. He's so kind and understanding, and I've grown so much in the past three weeks, it's incredible.

JAMIE: ...

...: It's Abe.

JAMIE: He's only wanted to hang out with you every night till 4 in the morning, while we were together. Seriously, you didn't see this coming? Using your trust to get you in bed? God, some friend he turned out to be.

...: This is not about sex, or any of that, it just HAPPENED. And it happened to be something great.

JAMIE: Okay. Yeah, fine. I'm really happy for you. Can you go now?

...: You mean that? You're happy for me?

JAMIE: Of course. What else would I be? I'm not out to destroy your life just because we're not together.

...: Thanks Jamie. We'll talk okay?

JAMIE: Sure we will. See you around.

END SCENE II

Secrets

Ebmaj7, Cm7, Fm7, Bb13 sounds pretty good

Some Secrets
See the problem I see today
It's becoming so easy to push love away
Everybody seems to think they know what it is
But would they have treated it, the way that they did

The women have become too strong for love
They act as if their strength alone is enough
They'll play around just to prove that they can get down
It's the fear of hurt & pain that stops them from reaching out

And who's more afraid than the fellas?
Sleeping around and acting hard because
It's easier than admitting to themselves
That they need someone to lean on as well

Everybody's got some secrets
That they don't want to tell, they just want to keep it
But it makes no sense that we can't tell
How everyone needs a little love to be well

And love, love, love, love, love, love, love
Should be as simple as saying it over and over again
But we've got to try, try, try to not lose ourselves before we find ourselves again

Zombie Ant Half-Tone

It's Not What You Think

...:Jamie. Wake up Jamie... Jamie, what the hell is the matter with you? It's 1 o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm pretty sure that you had work about an hour ago!

Jamie: Uhh...

...: Seriously Jamie, I'm so sick of this. Jamie? Every morning, no you don't even get up until the afternoon, and then you come home after work, or whatever, complain about being tired, and then we have sex and then go to sleep. FUCK!

Jamie: Mmmm... What's wrong?

...: I'm so frustrated. Every morning, I'm anxious and nervous about things I'm not getting done. I'm cussing left and right like a goddamn sailor, and I just...

Jamie: Well, you don't have to stay in bed with me till I get up. You can go do what you need to do. And plus, I think your language is sexy. Come here.

...: No... NO! Don't. I'm serious Jamie. I don't like who I am right now. I don't like the way I become when I'm around you every day.

Jamie: So don't come over all the time. We can spend some nights apart, if you can handle not taking your medicine. Some penis-cillin? Eh, eh?

...: ... Yeah... Maybe you're right... Listen, I've got to meet with my mom right now. I'll call you later okay?

Jamie: Yeah. What time is it anyway?

...: The clock's on the wall. Look for yourself. Maybe you can get your ass out of bed and get your life started.

Jamie: What's that supposed to mean?

...: Nothing. I'll call you later.

Jamie: Shit! Hello? Yeah Kirk. Sorry dude. I had a car problem. Yeah, I'll be in in about thirty. Okay, see you soon.

Yeah you're right :-)

I thought about what you mentioned last night. How when we first met, I must've been saying to myself, "What the hell is up with this girl?" Yeah, you were definitely right. Meeting you was one of those moments in your life that you hardly think about, but if and when you do, it shakes you to your core as to what a huge impact it was in your life. Much like many events that occur, of course, in the course of living, but the significance lies in the fact that it's such an active, animated exchange that is stimulated between two people, exclusively.

Thank you for being so unpretentious and bare. I can only regret that I counter-balanced your enthusiasm and honesty with a selfishness that even the most spoiled children can rarely exude, made worse that the age of childhood is so long past. You are so unique in my life because as much as you were there for me, you vividly awakened a sense of greater consciousness in my mind for the world and the people around me.

It's unfair of course that this puts tremendous pressure on me in my life to do the same for you and others. I pray to the 8lb 6oz baby Jesus in his ghost manger that I will have some amount of success when it comes to this journey I've put myself on.

- Jineus

headcase.com

People are such conundrums. I've actually done a fairly good job at figuring us out, on the whole. We're not so much a mystery to me as much we once might've been. But we are conundrums to ourselves. We are, without being. We're alive without living. We breathe but can't smell. We're sustainable, but insatiable. I guess that is the definition of the human condition.

I've gone through a lot of myself and understood it, but am unable to find my own contentment with the end results of my determination. The issue that is on my mind in particular has to do with a person's view of oneself and his/ her self-worth, insofar as it is defined on myspace.com. The lure of myspace is many-fold. It's a great way to procrastinate, an easy way to present yourself via catch phrases and visual stimuli, and to some, a HR pool to find your next ONS (One Night Stand, for you non-Dane-Cookers).

The second part is what interests me the most. Is that who you are? Your perception of yourself, or how you want others to perceive you? I wish I could say otherwise, but the latter seems to makes more sense. To me, it seems reasonable to assume that myspace has become a way to streamline your personal presentation to other people. The photo angles that are most becoming, the musical tastes that are the most unconventional or unique, the pictures and backgrounds that have been overused since the creation of the internet.

There are just so many people, that it doesn't even matter anymore how much of your life is a regurgitation or a repackaging of someone else's. It's a fruitless search for meaning and individuality. And yet... somehow, we all keep going on. What a conundrum. Logically, this whole... process makes no sense; but being human, I can't find any wrong in the way that it is.